Many days, I would sit at my desk wondering if this was all there was? Daily, it was the familiar: the mundane, the answering phones, sending faxes, responding the voicemails, and answering questions. It wasn’t a passion, it didn’t make me feel closer to feeling significant, it just felt empty. Punching a clock on someone else’s time, at their beck and call, no matter how nice my bosses were, didn’t feel like freedom to me. It really felt like a ball and chain, something I had to do. The demands were pulling from all sides day in and day out. It wasn’t that I had poor jobs, poor coworkers or companies. In fact, I think it had the most exceptional in all those categories. But it wasn’t my passion, it didn’t drive me or make me a better more learned person. I learned the skills and I learned the politics of being in an organization but I wanted more.
What was probably my biggest fear, is not feeling significant. I think of different jobs I had and I was never power hungry, but I wanted to feel like I was needed, and necessary. I found that my jobs and career didn’t fully do that for me. They did give me this feeling of definition, however. It’s similar to being on a high school varsity team, you get to say you’re a Wildcat on the basketball team or the track team, even if you don’t love it. Identifying with something makes us feel accepted somehow. But yet, I still wrestled with significance.
When I began to think of creating my own business with my colleagues, I was torn. It would make me feel significant but not give me the definition that comes with the old jobs, the comradery, the familiar tasks. I think that this is probably the hardest and deepest struggle we go through when making a big change in our lives for the better, whether it is a gradual change or instantaneous.